I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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