my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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