A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
