just come out here and I will go home with you...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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