Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
