FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
