So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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