It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I looked at my own cervix.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
