I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Boobs are out for the taking
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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