i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
