Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We left an ass print on the piano.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
