New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
