I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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