don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
