my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
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