So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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