Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
