I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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