Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize