That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
