I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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