Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
