Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize