Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
