Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
