When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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