I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
