I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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