did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
