im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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