dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
