I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
