If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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