Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
