Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
