No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
