Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
