life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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