Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
