I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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