I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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