apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
