Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
