Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
