Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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