True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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