Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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