I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
