So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
