We tried having a conversation with our noses.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
