i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
ugly people sure do ruin things
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
