Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
