Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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