I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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