John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
