it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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