I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
