I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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