I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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